Being a single twenty-something is simultaneously liberating and disappointing. It’s fun to go out with the girls and flirt but ultimately the guys my age are not exactly up to par. I don’t mean to knock the twenty-something generation: I’m loving it. My generation is going to be remembered. We’re technologically savvy (addicted) and when we rule the world it’s going to be be either crazy awesome, or a complete disaster. We ride the roller coaster of college and unemployment, all the while dealing with eye exam bills from staring at a computer screen all night, whether it be video games or blogging. I feel I’ve got my generation pretty much figured out, except for the daunting obstacle that I will never understand: dating. It is possibly the most uncomfortable, anxiety-inducing, nauseating, exhilarating, and ultimately disappointing venture I have ever set myself on, although high school fits that criteria as well.
In popular media, such as TV and movies, young women (and cougars) are always bouncing between guys, glamorously setting themselves up as sexual goddesses for one male and then tossing them aside on a whim for another they only just met. Dates are spur of the moment, and men are romantic and handsome. Men ask us for our numbers suavely, at coffee shops and in the grocery store, begging for even a lunch date.
In reality, men my age are still boys, hooked on video games and eating pizza pockets for dinner every night. They have no class and their main goal in life appears to be getting laid as often as possible. The ones I’ve met don’t have a romantic bone in their body and think it’s acceptable, nay, normal even, to chew and spit tobacco throughout a movie on the first date. Because of this I find myself attracted to older men, but there I run in to another problem: I’m actually terrified to talk to them. I find myself tongue-tied and awkward in their presence, unable to converse in a pleasant or even understandable manner.
What does pump up my confidence when I talk to men is alcohol, and I find that perhaps I am the siren of desire I so wish to be when I’ve had a couple cosmopolitans (I acknowledge this to be blatantly untrue in hindsight: I now have conclusive evidence that it may actually heighten my awkwardness). I dress up sassy, make-up covering my freckles, and totter out in my heels with a gaggle of girls who apparently do this on a regular basis. On this alcoholic high I flirt and deliver witty comebacks (probably not) and occasionally a guy will actually hang out with me for a while. Inevitably my banter turns geeky and I reveal that I am a level 12 Elven cleric who just acquired the coolest ice magic staff and looted this sweet ring possessed by a Pride demon and if I play my cards right, I might be able to use his knowledge to save the world… This is not something that goes over well in bars. The past few times I’ve been in bars I’ve come away feeling humiliated (I danced and fell down, twisting my ankle), disgusted (the guy who grabbed my ass and when confronted said “My hand slipped!”), or deeply ashamed (an almost one night stand where I apologized profusely and went to sleep by myself). Obviously I’m doing it wrong or I’m just not cut out for this. I don’t want a casual relationship built on alcohol and whether or not I’m wearing a cute outfit that night. I hear about girls thrilled over their one night stands and excitedly waiting for him to maybe text, and sometimes I want that. But only when there’s a romantic comedy in the theaters and I can’t convince my roommate to go with me or I see a happy couple holding hands.
The other day I went into a restaurant and there was this incredibly handsome man with the cutest black lab puppy. He had to be in his early thirties and I actually spoke with him in an intelligent way, and had a brief witty conversation. I made eye contact with him, smiled, and pet his dog… and then I wussed out and left without saying anything to him. I thought about him chasing after me and telling me how he loved my smile or the way I laughed and asking me to sit down and have lunch with him, but that only happens in movies, doesn’t it?
Perhaps I’m too harsh on the men of my own age. Maybe the perfect guy is out there. Disney told me that when I grew up my Prince would come. So far… no dice. Walt Disney lied to me with Pocahontas, Belle, Ariel and Snow White as his coconspirators. I’ll carry on hoping, and trying to spot that quiet guy who might be the one, but until then I will continue to be a twenty-something and single, enjoying episodes of Dr. Who, and going into coffee shops, looking for a guy who might notice a girl with a shy smile and too many books in her purse.
Its ironic that I ran into your post. I just read an article in The Atlantic:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/8654/#
It is a long article, but a good one, and according to the author things are not looking good in the world of romance. You are not alone, and things are not going to get better, by her account. It seems there are two grades of men, the deadbeats and the players. The problem is that as women's economic opportunities have increased in the past few decades, men's opportunities are drying up. Many young men are just dropping out of the economic picture. They live with their parents and are ill suited to succeed in a world of diminishing opportunity. The men that are successful see that they are in demand and there is no rush to settle down. So you are in a strange world where quite possibly happily ever after will be even a bigger fairy tale than it was in the past. Quite a grim picture.
I an old romantic. I have been happily married for 34 years and I believe in love. I would like to believe that men and women desperately need each other...men more so than women--they just don't recognize it. What ever good that I can claim, any chard of decency or morality that I possess, I can attribute to my wife. She has made a decent human being out of me.
Reading your post breaks my heart because you are right, many men your age are still boys and all they want is to get laid. I believe the US probably has the longest period of male adolescence in the world, lasting from age 12 to 30 (or possibly beyond). Well you know the old saying, girls mature faster than boys. Oh, this reminds me of another Atlantic article which may shed some light on your situation:
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2007/01/are-we-not-men/5550/
If I keep giving you these long Atlantic articles to read, you will be in your 30s and found the boys have grown up.
You are a very attractive woman. I don't think you have to cover your freckles, nor do I think you need alcohol to pump up your confidence, and I definitely don't think you need a one night stand. Drunken hookups are...well drunken hookups--no romance, no meeting of Souls, no Holiness. A one night stand is masturbation with the body another. Don't lower yourself to the standards of the boys who just want to get laid.
Ooops! Too long of a post. I have to break it in two. Continued next post.
Continued from the above comment:
ReplyDeleteThe primary purpose of sex of course is reproduction but that purpose is sort of on the back burner with human beings. The first purpose of sex in humans is to pair bond. Yes sex will make you fall in love with each other. That's the easy part, staying in love is the hard part. But sex has to be done right. Slow, sober, and with a guy that you would like to be the father of your child (eventually) is a good start. Many people your age think that a drunken one night stand is good sex. They ought to try an entire afternoon of sober loving sex. It will knock their socks off, and its kind of cool to fall asleep all put together, you know what I mean, and wake up with no hangover looking into a face that you love. Best high on the face of the planet.
No doubt, there is no shortage of idiots. The good guys are getting rarer...BUT...they are not all taken, they can't be. You just have to look a little harder, because guess what, the guy you want is not in a bar wearing gold chains and grabbing your ass while checking out some other girl's fake tits. The guy you want won't humiliate you and your relationship will not be soaked in alcohol, require a Victoria's Secrets credit card, and be measured in minutes until he passes out.
The guy you want is just as shy and awkward as you are, and his heart pines for you as much as yours does for him. How do I know this? Forty years ago I was a geeky shy guy who spent too much time in book stores and looked across the shelves at the cute girl with five books in her hand and pined for her wishing I had the courage to smile and say hi. I was also one those guys that would occasionally go out with the boys get drunk and try to get laid. I was not successful in those endeavors. Why? Because that was not what I wanted. I wanted a woman to love and cherish and hold in my arms and be swept away to Heaven on Earth. Getting drunk, I did nothing but make an ass of myself.
If you must use alcohol, do so sparingly. Enough to remove the scary edge, but not enough to blunt you. Best to stay away from it, good things do not come out of bottles.
Ali, the perfect guy is out there. He is that quiet shy guy at the coffee shop with too many books that glances your way and blushes, and thinks to himself, what would a beautiful girl like her see in a geek like me and then his heart pines for you. And if you only had a little wee bit of courage, just a tiny dab. Grab your cup of coffee, go over and sit down next to him and ask him what is he reading. What do you have to lose? It will have to be you that gets the courage and here is why. You look over and see a cute guy, but still just a human being. When he looks at you he sees a Goddess, and he knows Goddesses are not interested in geeks. Do you know what is really cool about guys like this? They are extraordinary in bed! They have to be, because they are mere mortals in the presence of a Goddess. And you will show him Heaven on Earth. Trust me, he is out there, but you have to make the first move.
Oh, third comment...I meant to compliment you on having the courage to write a very honest and beautiful post. I love posts written from the heart. Keep looking Ali, he is out there.
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